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Michael Alexander St. John

Blue Jam Series 3 Episode 5 - List of Cool

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MICHAEL ALEXANDER ST. JOHN: List of cool, take one.

In place of the mood forecast, I'm going to jazz your bum with these consumer essentials, guaranteed to stay in vogue for at least twenty days from the date of broadcast.

Pelvis extractors. Yes, I'm afraid, gone are the days when it was cool to wear two foot silver bars through the side of your pelvis. Now, the truly cogniscandi say you're better off with no pelvis at all. Pelvis extractors have two speeds. High setting knocks it out in one enormous blow, but requires standby supplies of boiling tar, while the slow version pulverises the bone with ultrasound. Watch out! It can pollard your femurs.

Olive filters and wash rinse. For retrieving your expensive deli olives from the pukejet of drugged-up supermodels as they rush to be the first to chunder up your bathroom. Leave the filters strewn about, and put up a sign saying "Ladies, please filter the olives out of your sick." Unchewed and undigested, the olives can really thrive in a cheeky puttanesca, or as I call it, "puke"-anesca sauce. (chortles)

Eritrayan panic poems. You know about these. Each one like a kind of Tennant's Haiku. But use them carefully! One guy I knew poemed himself off a balcony.

Mournful comments at dinner. Lots of dead baby stuff still really de rigeur amongst the Emma Freud set. Makes the chicks cry, which is seldom less than horny, but personally I find that lot a bit near the mark. Especially since their parties usually include the sons of murderers and a couple of career abortionists.

Check out the streets of London at 3am, and that's where you'll find the after dark moon gibbons of cool. Swooning to the beats of sharp sand patio, courtesy of DJ Flipping Liar at the Nunnery of Noise. Whack yourself down there immediately, and expect Johnny Depp and co. to swing by any time, with their pants full of sewage and trombones up their noses.

And finally, cannon dogs. Beautiful little animals for the minerally urban. Vegetarian, meticulously clean, and they don't need walking. Just fire them around the place occasionally with a compressed air mortar, and they run obediently back.

These and only these will do. Anything else you own must be trashed, trashed, trashed. Or else honey, you are in fashion Alaska.

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